Astro Blows, Again.

17 December, 2007 at 11:16 am (Mumblings) (, , , )

I could have come up with a catchier title but I just couldn’t be bothered. Instead, I gave you this:

Asstro – Bearing the grunt of phallic aggression.

That’s a cacti you perves, as featured here before. I refrained from putting up a picture of my penis because it’s so big, your screen wouldn’t have enough resolution to show it. It’s just THAT big. You’ll need at least a 50-inch screen. And that’s just for the pubes.

From my previous post, a reader pointed out that the broadcast from Asstro is analogue despite the receiver stating that it was a ‘Digital Multimedia Terminal’. I’d have to agree with him though. Because my TV is like 10 years old and last time I checked, there isn’t any HDMI interface at the back of it. So where’s this digital crap that Asstro is misleading us with?

My theory is, the Digital Multimedia Terminal (DMT) works more or less like a over glorified modem. You see, a computer’s modem takes digital data and modulates them into analogue signal so they can be transferred through phone lines. Once the data arrives at another computer, the analogue signal is then demodulated back to digital data that the computer can understand.

Asstro’s DMT works the opposite way, data (could be analogue or digital) from the transmitter or the station are delivered in digital form through satellites. They arrive at your home and the DMT converts the digital data back to analogue signal because most TV’s in Malaysia has the ubiquitous AV jack.

Not much problem with that, right? WRONG. When data goes through conversion there’s bound to be some lost of quality. But the problem magnifies when digital data are converted to analogue signals. It’s like transferring songs from CDs to cassette tapes. Even if you have the best quality master CD, your song is only gonna be as good as the medium it’s recorded, in this case the tape.

Asstro has one of the most dubious tagline ever:

Who the hell’s life are you making richer, you Assholetro retards? That is such an intelligent and witty catch-phrase I swear I would have believed, if it wasn’t for the fact that the only people’s life getting richer is YOURS. Did your marketing assholes pulled that phrase out of their asses after getting high from fellating each other? Because the intelligence level of it goes between oh I don’t know, eating a slug and stuffing a colon cleansing tube down the throat. Just drop it Asstro, it’s not funny. You seriously believe you’re making our lives richer when you yourself are counting the billions you raked in each year?

The same reader has also pointed out that illegal satellite dishes offer much better picture quality than Asstro. I couldn’t agree more, just check out these bad boys from our neighboring country, Sarawak (Sarawak is another country, will do a post on that later) and compare them with Asstro’s pathetic dish:

Smaller than a freaking wok.

Picture taken at the backyard. A typical stroll around the neighborhood would see about 60 percent houses having AT LEAST ONE humongous satellite dish. They’re everywhere, from lowly squatters (or setinggardens like we call it here) right to the biggest and most pompous mansions. In fact, some have 2 or 3, or even more. Like this same house:

This dish is at the front yard. And it’s huge. If it falls, it could crush a hundred… frogs. No kidding.

To another reader who asked if we get porn here in Malaysia, the answer is NO if you’re using Asstro. However if you were to have one of them big guns installed (like the pics above), let me just say that everything is at the tip of your phallus fingers.

And then there’s the issue of reruns. I tuned in to StarWorld yesterday and due to the insane amount of reruns, I have to clench my anal muscle just so I don’t shit myself from feeling disgusted with that channel. Here are some of the reruns I remembered from just a span of 3 hours:

1) Arrested Development
2) Scrubs
3) 30 Rock

There’s also My Name Is Earl in between but I didn’t catch it so I’m not sure if there are reruns. What a great way to start the day eh, paying to watch shows I already watched half a year ago.

Here’s my suggestion to Asstro to reduce their level of suckiness:

1) Allow the user to programme the channels themselves since your DMT is that advance.
2) Let customers choose which channels they want instead of lumping them in packages, with channels we don’t want to have any shit with. Obviously a greedy scheme to milk more money from us by doing that you jerks.

Hey Ananda, if you’re reading this take note ok?



  1. Astrohacker said,

    dear fren,
    you can share one astro smartcard wiih more than one DMT (of course with differrent channel). What you need is smardcard splitter. The best in town at this moment is smartwi (
    You also can try DM500, a small and powerfull satellite receiver. Good digital audio coz it have digital audio ouput jack. Is size is small as small as 4 port router. With this “kancil” you can get full package of Astro as cheap as RM30. (Dealer sell this box with 12 month free viewing full package Astro for RM580-RM600 ).
    If you buy this box alone, it will cost you around RM380 – RM450. Then you need to find “pirate provider” to activate your box. Normally they will charge you RM30 per month.
    Cerita pun tak guna, you try google “DM500+card sharing” then you know that i m not bullshitting you.
    When minyak naik harga, gomen tell us to kongsi kereta, so when Astro naik harga, we kongsi astro card la..
    *For DM500 sharing, you must have ADSL line (streamyx 512 is enough) unplug youu koman astro DMT , replace with DM500.

  2. unig said,

    Wow dude, thanks for the info. Have been meaning to check out those ‘more affordable’ receiver in a while but just didn’t know where to find them. Haha, your tips will come in really handy. I’ll check it out soon 😉

  3. plam said,

  4. eddie said,

    plamsat’s service not good.
    don’t use his

  5. trosa said,

    astro is introduce the gold card, will spliter still can use?

  6. stupidastro said,

    So is the dm500 still working now? Cause is has new gold card implemented…

  7. asilas said,

  8. Dish Network New Orleans said,

    Ah, This is perfect! Puts to bed
    several contradictions I’ve read

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